The Heartbreak Kid

What can I say about Joe?

He’s one of the reasons we exist, and one of the reasons we sometimes resent our own existence.

As you know, for reasons of confidentiality, I can’t tell you Joe’s real name; nor can I tell you the details of his life. But there are things you need to know, so I will fill you in as best I can, without breaking any confidences.

Joe’s biological mother, I am told, is mentally ill, though she’s never been diagnosed. I understand the situation perfectly as I have a sister in the same situation – but she, in a rare moment of thoughtfulness, chose not to breed.

Joe’s mother was not so compassionate.

Joe has been abused – in every conceivable manner – since he was a child, and he’s only eleven now. He is not only the victim in an ongoing sexual abuse case, he also has sexual assault charges pending against him; that’s how bad it is. He’s a beautiful, solidly-built boy with a shock of black hair and deep, dark eyes that hold secrets that no child should ever hold. He has a fondness for guns and knives; and came to us as functionally illiterate, unteachable, ASD, schizophrenic and bi-polar.

He’s none of the above.

He’s a smart cookie, and he’s learned to read and write in record time. He can be polite and charming, sweet and good natured; he can also be suicidal, violent, abusive and savage.

I’ve never met anyone like him. Recently, Joe’s aunt – his natural mother’s sister – stepped in and took the family to court for custody. DOCS (the Department of Children’s Services) now has custody of Joe, thanks to her battle. But it’s only a six month custody situation. No-one can promise Joe that he’s never going to be sent back to the hell that he was rescued from.

I spend the bulk of every day with Joe – he’s never been in a classroom setting, so I am the one that sits with him in class and teaches him the basics: spitting and squirting water on the floor is unacceptable behaviour; keep all four legs of your chair on the floor and don’t make suggestive gestures to the girl you like that sits across the room from you.

I help him learn to read and write, supporting the Special Education teachers that do such an awesome job of teaching him. I come to fetch him from class and spend time with him on the playground when he can no longer cope with the routine of life at school. I am there when his foster mother (and biological aunt) – Ingrid – breaks down in tears because she is torn between loving this wounded child, keeping him from hurting himself or molesting her daughters, and convincing her husband that this terrible lot that God has given them will pay off.

Joe begs me to take him home with me at the end of the day, in case he upsets Ingrid and her husband and they decide to send him back to his natural mother. He comes up with convincing arguments about how he’d be a great part of my family, and would get on really well with my husband’s son. He’s so desperate, so hurt… so lost.
I’ve been asked to accompany him to police interviews, court appearances and psychiatric evaluations. He’s told the police as much as he can, but still can’t tell them about the really “yucky stuff” that was done to him. The police have encouraged him to share that “yucky stuff” with me, and he’s been dancing around it for some time. It will have to come out some time.

Poor Joe’s family is under tremendous pressure: his aunt and uncle are in a marital crisis because they can’t cope with Joe’s behaviour. Joe’s biological mother is making trouble for the family simply because she can and takes pleasure in it; Ingrid’s two young daughters are in very real danger from Joe, her parent’s can no longer take Joe on the weekends and Ingrid is facing the very real, very terrible fact that this child may be to big a threat for her family to absorb.

And poor Joe is terrified of going back to his biological mother. He begs me to intercede on his behalf, but I can’t. I have to keep the health of the whole family in mind; and as long as Joe is so deeply emotionally damaged, he is a cancer in that family no matter how young he is.

And the trouble is that he doesn’t even see that it his behaviour – and the fact that he endangers people around him – that is at the root of this problem. Indeed, he’s been so deeply victimized that he has no concept of “his own fault”. “Personal accountability” isn’t even on his radar – and until he understands the problem, there is no way to fix it.

And the clock is running out. If Joe can’t make any meaningful progress in managing the hurt inside him and not turning his rage and violence outwards, his family will break under the strain and we will lose him……